My list of bad drivers
April 2, 2014
I do a lot of driving for work, and being the extremely observant person that I am, I’ve noticed a lot of annoying quirks about other drivers. I’ve taken the time to categorize them so that you’ll know to look out for these drivers who are the scourge of our roads and highways.
The Handicapped Driver
After a careful amount of research and testing, I can now scientifically conclude that people with handicapped parking permits are all bad drivers. That’s right. You probably suspected this yourself, but you just didn’t have the time to fully test your theory. Good news! I have done all of the leg work for you. The science is settled. The statistics show that people with handicapped permits are more likely to cut me off when I am attempting to change lanes. They’re more likely to totally ignore me when I am trying to enter the highway. They’re more likely to start digging around in their car for only God knows what just when the light turns green. I’ve never seen an application for a handicapped permit, but I bet that somewhere on that application is a section that says that in order to be granted a permit, you must be a bad driver.
The Phone Leaner
You’ve seen them before. They’re driving 50 miles per hour while the rest of us are whizzing past them at 80… er um.. I mean 60. They don’t signal when they change lanes. They swerve back and forth in the lane. They almost sideswipe you as you pass them. These are the people who are so engrossed in their phone conversation that they have absolutely no self awareness. They’re leaning over with their phone pasted to the side of their face, and they’re totally oblivious to the world outside of who ever is on the other end of the line. Combine the Phone Leaner with a handicapped permit, and you’ve got something truly horrific.
The Backwards Parker
Go into any parking lot outside a shopping mall, a Wal-Mart, or any other place of business, and you’ll see several cars and trucks parked backwards. Why? If you watch someone back into a parking space, take note of how much extra time they use while performing this procedure. You’ll notice that it takes a lot longer to park backwards than it would take to simply drive forward into the space. The only thing that I can think of that would make people want to park backwards is their perception that doing so means being able to get out faster. OK, but what about all of that extra time used just to back in? Imagine combining the Handicapped Driver, and the Phone Leaner with the Backwards Parker. Please NO! It’s giving me nightmares.
Construction Zone Drivers
A few months ago, I was caught in a traffic backup while driving on the Dallas North Tollway. About half a mile before the road construction that caused the slow down, a sign announced that the two right lanes were closed. Upon seeing the sign, I immediately moved over to the left lane. Why does no one else do this? Have a look at the video below. I left a lot of space between me and the car in front of me, and the people piled up in the right lane simply would not move over. What the hell! Of course you’re probably wondering how I managed to drive my car, and shoot the video, but I was doing it all for science. I wanted to prove my point that no matter how much space I give the other drivers to get into my lane, they will wait until the last second to move over. It’s totally insane. I wonder how many of these drivers were Handicapped Drivers, or Phone Leaners… or both. I just don’t want to think about it. I just don’t think I can handle it.
I might offend some people who smoke and drive, but I don’t care. I’ve always wanted to ask people who smoke while driving why they believe the city’s roads and highways are their ash tray. Is it safe to light a cigarette when you’re speeding down the highway while you’re leaning over with your phone plastered to your face like a cancerous tumor? Combine this with a cup of Starbucks latte, and a handicapped permit hanging from the rearview mirror. I just can’t visualize this without a shudder of terror moving through my body. And we thought texting while driving was bad!